Words from a Totem Animal by W. S. Merwin

Words from a Totem Animal

 

Distance

is where we were

but empty of us and ahead of

me lying out in the rushes thinking

even the nights cannot come back to their hill

any time

 

I would rather the wind came from outside

from mountains anywhere

from the stars from other

worlds even as

cold as it is this

ghost of mine passing

through me

 

I know your silence

and the repetition

like that of a word in the ear of death

teaching

itself

itself

that is the sound of my running

the plea

plea that it makes

which you will never hear

oh god of beginnings

immortal

 

I might have been right

not who I am

but all right

among the walls among the reasons

not even waiting

not seen

but now I am out in my feet

and they on their way

the old trees jump up again and again

strangers

there are no names for the rivers

for the days for the nights

I am who I am

oh lord cold as the thoughts of birds

and everyone can see me

 

Caught again and held again

again I am not a blessing

they bring me

names

that would fit anything

they bring them to me

they bring me hopes

all day I turn

making ropes

helping

 

My eyes are waiting for me

in the dusk

they are still closed

they have been waiting a long time

and I am feeling my way toward them

 

I am going up stream

taking to the water from time to time

my marks dry off the stones before morning

the dark surface

strokes the night

above its way

There are no stars

there is no grief

I will never arrive

I stumble when I remember how it was

with one foot

one foot still in a name

 

I can turn myself toward the other joys and their lights

but not find them

I can put my words into the mouths

of spirits

but they will not say them

I can run all night and win

and win

 

Dead leaves crushed grasses fallen limbs

the world is full of prayers

arrived at from

afterwards

a voice full of breaking

heard from afterwards

through all

the length of the night

 

I am never all of me

unto myself

and sometimes I go slowly

knowing that a sound one sound

is following me from world

to world

and that I die each time

before it reaches me

 

When I stop I am alone

at night sometimes it is almost good

as though I were almost there

sometimes then I see there is

in a bush beside me the same question

why are you

on this way

I said I will ask the stars

why are you falling and they answered

which of us

 

I dreamed I had no nails

no hair

I had lost one of the senses

not sure which

the soles peeled from my feet and

drifted away

clouds

It’s all one

feet

stay mine

hold the world lightly

 

Stars even you

have been used

but not you

silence

blessing

calling me when I am lost

 

Maybe I will come

to where I am one

and find

I have been waiting there

as a new

year finds the song of the nuthatch

 

Send me out into another life

lord because this one is growing faint

I do not think it goes all the way